mY sEnSelEsS RaMbLiNgS

I know that last post had ALL kinds of typos....UT I'M PISSED PEOPLE!

Man o man, I know my EVIL parents are up to something. My father calls me the other day being super nice to me, trying to get me to sign some *power of attorney* papres, and *temporary custody* forms as well, saying to do so infront of a notary and shit.
They must think I'm really stupid!
I don't have to do that for *N* to live with them!
He's lived with them before for years without any of that shit....they've enrolled him in school, taken him to the Dr's and all.
What the F*ck Ever!
They want to set me up to be legally bound to pay their rich asses child support amoung other things, they are nasty and evil I'll tell you, they just want to make me suffer because I am not how they want me to be.
At least I acknowledge the fact that I have a mental disorder, *she* (the woman formally known as my mother) hides from it, and my so-called *father* is in extreme denial about it.
Well, none of that is my problem anymore...NONE OF IT, *N* made his decision, so I don't want to hear about it later, he wanted to go live that bullshit life! He chose money over me, his dad, and his brothers and sister.
Those people might be rich, but they are crazy and deranged.
They must be psycho too if they expect to sign away my parental rights, or give them *legal* authority over my child where their desicions supercede mine!
Outrageous!
I guess, I'm still pissed, and stressed about what I feel may be some kind of legal shakedown, they can afford a lawyer, I can't, we'll see.

Just thought I'd type a little diddy and be on my way.
C-ya!

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Okay,
So today, my mother in law calls and asks me to pick up my niece from her bus stop, I say okay. Now, the operative words here are *pick-up* But somehow, that simple request, which gave me knots in my stomach when I said yes, while regretting it all at the same time.
She then explains that my sister-in-law (my nieces mother) (I use the term *mother* lightly on her) didn't feel well, and was going to the doctors office. I say she didn't feel like dealing with her own child, as usual, but gave her(my mother-in-law) the excuse “I’m going to the Dr. because (all together now) I-DON’T-FEEL-GOOD!
Talk about the boy who cried wolf! There is absolutely nothing wrong with this bitch! She's just a spoiled pregnant, lazy big, ugly black bitch!
(can you tell I hate her!)

I am so sick of this shit!

Anyways, tick tock tick tock, 3 hours go by, gee I wasn’t asked to baby-sit, I was never asked did I have anything to do today, because gee, I have to get my crazy ass to my counseling session! I was asked to pick her(my niece) up, not watch her all evening while her irresponsible mother(my sister-in-law) can run around town with her loser ass boyfriend! (Who is also married with three other kids by the way, yeah, very upstanding of my sister-in-law, who always found it easy to look down on me for years, yeah, SHE is a MUCH better person than me...NOT!) so I call my wonderful mother in law and asked her, “Is there anyone coming to pick her (my niece) up?, because I have an appointment @ 6pm”, to which I get in reply, (with a nasty little attitude attached to it) “*Exhale* Okay, we’ll be there in a little bit”, *click*…(phone hanging up)
Huh? Did I miss something? Is it me, or are these people out of their damned minds? ( I thought I was the mentally ill one here!

I’m trying to quit smoking, but why today of all days??? This is hard to deal with not having any smokes around either!
YIKES!
Plus I am trying to stop purging! The only thing left is cutting, but I’m not in the mood to cut right now, I don’t wanna drink, got work tomorrow….
Maybe I’ll quit tomorrow?, or the next damn day, whatever, I need to smoke, and I didn’t work out today like I was supposed to (work arms and abs, crunches and free weights) Blah blah blah!
I am so chaotic inside my mind right now, it’s unbelievable!
I can’t believe I am typing right now, with all the loudness in my head. Like voices, but not, can’t explain, gotta go, losing concentration.">

I have just discovered that I do not handle confrontation very well, especially when I am not in control of the *confrontation* itself.

Lots and lots have happened in the past few days, I am watching Oprah right now, so I am distracted at the moment.

I didn't do a damn thing at work today, I felt so lazy!
I thought for sure I would fel so energetic, but I don't! I ate a hummus pita with lettuce and cucumber last night for dinner, half of it anyways, and I ate the other half before work, thinking it would give me some type of energy boost. I guess I should have had coffee instead.
I need to drink some of my senna tea, I feel bloated and bogged up if you catch my drift. I ate more this week thatn I have in a long while, and I'm feeling it.
A group of friends and I are taking part in a 3 day fast this week, starting on Monday.
I hope I do a good job at it.
I have high hopes for that.
I need to update my thinspiration pics.

See man!
This is why I shy away from being in a close to good mood.
As soon as I started feeling half way decent, the cable company comes to turn off the cable because J didn't pay the bill.
This is f'cked up!
Shit man I am so f'cking irritated right now. I just gave the guy the cable box and closed the door, he aint gettin no payment from my ass!
I didin't order the stupid cable!
Geesh!
Guess I'll go purge now, just ate popcorn and don't like the feeling.
Shit.

The f'cking bank has finally fixed Bally's mistake and I have all my damn money!
Woo hoo! I can drink this weekend, and I just got back from the store with a fresh pack of cigs!
Now maybe if I can get my ass up in the morning for work @ 7am.
It's early as hell, but at least I'll be off @ 12 noon so I can go work out...hell yeah!
My cold is finally going away. so I will be in tip top shape tomorrow for a jog.
I have been so damn lazy the past two weeks, yes, I've been sick, but I did not physical activity at all, and I am deathly afraid to get my big ass on the scale...I might cut later, especially if J goes out tonight, I can go to Blockbuster and rent a chick flick, make something to get tipsy with ...should be s good nithg, after all, I work tomorrow, but I'm off until Tuesday...Bitchin!

I kow I suck!
I just couldn't bring myself to go. I felt awful when I woke up this morning, even though I'm okay now. I have to go to the bank and deposit my paycheck from yesterday to pay my rent, plus I have to go and buy some soy milk.
I think Solomon is old enough now for regular soy milk.

I have really had a craving for some hummus lately, with pita and lettuce, tomato, and cucumber! MMM....
I just haven't felt like making it.
I haven't smoked a cigarette since last night, and it wasn't bothering me until now, I'm not feeling so sicj anymore.
Well, gotta go and get the kids from school now, it's about that time.

Yup, I know it sounds mad! But when I think about it, I am fond of my condition (what ever it is)
Being Bipolar (and possibly schizophrenic) is a pain in the ass, true indeed, but I feel apart from everyone else...
and I like that in a way, it's hard to explain.

Wow..
I really feel like I am in the beginning of a fabulous manic episode...I hope so, I'm tired of this apathetic bullshit.
Or it could be this Icehouse
Who knows, all I know now is it's like 2 in the morning, and I have to get up at like 7?
Yup, I need to take my butt to bed!
Good night people.